Due to school and personal issues, I haven't been able to update this section in over a year. I do receive countless submissions and I thank you all for breaking your silence and contribute to dancinginthedarkness.com.
I will try to update this page as soon as possible. In the mean time, you may read the past submissions and be inspired by these courageous survivors.
I have flashbacks every now and then, maybe 6 -12 months
apart. I am in therapy and realised that I have never really dealt with the abuse, but have buried it very well instead. I want to know how I can incourage these flashbacks to come back quicker so that I can deal with them. It is now 30 years later, and I now what it to end, no more
controlling me. I was a victim, I now want to be a survivor. Please e-mail me with your thoughts.
I hate when a flashback comes on. It is so real and the
reliving it over and over is horrible. It is so painful. Sometimes I
just want to drink myself into a state were I will pass out and the pain
will stop. However, that never works. I keep working on this so hopely
someday the flashbacks won't come.
on Jun 22 2004
I just want to say I'm sorry for all of you. I've been
abused for several years, and finally it looks like I actually care. I
never said a word about it, never cried, but now, years later, the
flashbacks are so hard to deal with, it makes me so very very angry that I
want nothing else than to hurt myself.
Finally, I've asked for help. I'm
scared. Jolanda, Amsterdam, The Netherlands, 28.
At times - I cannot sleep through the night. When I close
my eyes, home movies appear on the back of my eyelids. The kind of home
movies you use to sit and watch with your family on a wall. The kind
with no sound. But what I'm watching is my frightful experience that
lasted too long. I see everything taking place. I want to reach out and
save myself, but I obviously can't. When that does happen, I put on some
sort of music (usually Ani DiFranco or Tori Amos), and create something
like a drawing, painting, or a story. Or sometimes I just cry. Tears do
help I suppose.
Living through a flashback is like suffocating on the inside. Everything tenses, is more alive, more vivid and yet I am numb, feel nothing and see nothing. I am aware, but I am not. I live two lives
at once, and I live neither.
It is difficult to describe, no matter how many times it happens.
I have the most horrifying flashbacks, my past of
sexual abuse is so clear I wish I could not remember. It haunts me when I am
awake and asleep (nightmares), it's like what happened as a child was not
enough. It's like I have to be punished even more. I often "ask why me?" I
still dont know the answer to that, I dont think I'll ever will. I
admire all of those who have set up these types of websites and of those
who speak out about the abuse. Good luck to all of you who are on that
road to dealing with your past.
I had my first flashback last summer and I lost it. I tryed to
hide from people that were not there, I thought I was being raped again
every day for 3 months till I got help. I'ts hard but it can go away..
Flashbacks can hit anytime and anywhere. They hit me like a ton of bricks
dropped from the former World Trade Center. They make my skin crawl. I can be
sleeping, walking, shopping, or driving. It can be a certain scent, song, food,
or something/anything I'm not even aware of that will set off a flashback to the
rapes or incest. I shake uncontrollably breaking out in a cold sweat. My
heart races. As a child I became hypervigilent and remain so as a 43yr old
woman. If I'm sleeping - I cannot return to sleep for fear they will return.
They usually do. They trigger rage, pain, fear, and panic. I also lose time.
Tears cascade as I write and waves of nausea overcome me yet I NEED to let
others know they are not alone. I wish you All Peace in
Flashbacks are hard to deal with at times, and it can be difficult to ground
myself when they start occuring. I think the best thing I can do is to make sure
I am in a safe spot like on my bed with a bunch of soft pillows, blankets, and
stuffed animals. I let the memories come and I cry for awhile. But I also try
to maintain awareness that I am okay and that was in the past. After the
flashbacks past, I make sure to identify what triggered me in the first place,
avoid that, and do something relaxing to help calm me
Flashbacks are one of the worst things I deal with in my life. I can be at
work, driving, at home, in therapy, with my family, with friends, on my
own.....it doesn't matter. Suddenly I am right back in the experience and am
totally debilitated. In therapy I am learning to use coping skills. Sometimes
if I get them in place in time, I can guide myself through the flashback or be
able to calm myself afterward. I am learning what my triggers are so I can avoid
them as much as possible.
I posted my story a while ago. I am just in need to spill the bin now as I
have no one to talk to. When I thought I'm over the flashbacks, it happened
again! It was so bad that I started crying in public, which I have never done
before. The trigger was so simple: smell of alcohol and cigars..I actually felt
like I smell his breath on my face again and walked out of the camp party
sobbing.. was really thinking to hit my head against the wall so that the images
and the pain would go away or at least so that I fall unconscious and don't have
by jay on Feb 19 2004
Please use this form to share your
thoughts on Flashbacks, in any way you wish. I will post them on the site as soon as
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This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.