Rape and sexual abuse survivors - Dancing In The Darkness resource for rape and sexual abuse survivors. help and support for rape and sexual abuse survivors
rape and sexual abuse survivors share their thoughts rape is NEVER your fault aftermath of rape and sexual abuse
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Featured Category:
Date Rape

Date Rape

In many cases of rape and sexual abuse, the predator is a man the woman is dating. This is commonly called Date Rape or Aquaintance Rape. These are the most common type of rape committed.




After Silence

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Dancing in the Darkness
Survivors Thoughts - 3 - - 2005-03-02 11:46:19

'He needed it, why didn't I want to make him happy? Why did I always make him rape me?'- he told me. I often wonder if I've really recovered or have I twisted my grief. He raped me but I think I can recall deliberately provoking him. Of course fighting back was 'provoking' him, arguing was 'provoking' him. He raped me but I wanted it, I was bleeding but I wanted it, I liked it, I needed it, even if it brought me pain. That's what I told myself afterward. I think I may have been trying to gain control of what happened. And I told myself I adored him, loved his eyes, that I remember whenever I think 'you're not thin enough', 'you're not pretty enough'. I told myself I adored his lips, that he forced me to kiss when I was trying to trick my mind into not feeling the pain. Don't we all do these things? I'm beginning to realize how much I lied to myself, perhaps to try to gain control of a situation that I was not in control of. I'm through lying to myself. I think I can deal with the truth now. I can't help feeling though, that I share some of the blame. After all, I lied to myself so well I believed it. Did I love him? I don't even know anymore..
By Parihangirl Sep 29 2004

I remember the good in him. But everything became twisted when their marraige fell apart. Mom was working night shift. I would awaken in the middle of the night with his hands all over my body. I was 14-very shy and the oldest daughter. I was ashamed of my developing body. He destroyed something from that time on. I am 50 yrs old and a grandma now. Dad is 80 and ailing. Everything is coming out now and my sisters are very supportive. He has never apologized and Mom is in a crisis. Maybe I should have run away, gone to the police or something-but I was so afraid of destroying our family and what others would think of us. My girlfriends had clean fathers they could give big bearhugs-without ugly thoughts. I can never have that now-HE destroyed that. All of you, my sisters out there-remember it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
By Janice Sep 06 2004

Fear of Intimacy
I am currently being sexually abused. This has been happening for maybe 7 years. So long I can't even remember my reaction to it in the first place. I don't know what to say. I think this is my fault. Why I didn't say something at the beginning I don't know, but it if I could go back I would. I feel no control over my life, the control is in his hands. Iím mostly afraid of the damage that this would do to my family. My happiness and future aren't the only things on the line. My abuse is in a way what keeps my parents together. I don't know. I just keep it out of my head. But I honestly don't know how somebody who says they love me can cause me so much pain. No one knows the real me.
By Veronica Aug 14 2004

This site is a site that has helped me out a lot. It helps to know that you can come here and talk to others who feel and go through the same struggles everyday. The toughest thing that I go through everyday is flashbacks and talking helps make them go away a little easier. It makes me feel better knowing that I am not the only person who feels the same way.
By Jess Jul 27 2004

One of the most difficult things for me to realise, as a sexually abused child, was that none of it was my fault and I wasn't something to be simply tossed out with the trash. There were many times in my life when I thought I must have been totally worthless because they did nothing to protect me.
By Ardatha DemonhandJul 21 2004

Fear of Intimacy
I was sexually abused by multiple perps for the first 20 years of my life. When I was 23 I was raped by a stranger. I have no family (I was a foster child, tossed around all my life, never adopted) . . . I have very few friends and those friends are not intimate relationships because I cannot allow them to be. I have battled anorexia for over half of my life. I have a history of very severe self-mutilation and suicide attempts..

By ScaredToBe on Jun 26 2004

Speaking Out
How can I speak out about it? I can't tell anyone. I have kids of my own and I'm still afraid of how the "secret" will affect the whole family. I'm still the protector of the family integrity. My kids visit with their grandmother twice a year or so. She's nice and dotes on them. But she's never been left alone in a room with them. It's so hard with mother abuse because people don't want to believe in it. I have relatives (my dad and stepmother) that I fear for their sanity were they to find out my mother molested me. Back to the protector role. A role that has never been taken on on my behalf. When I try to talk about mother abuse, people run, they get disgusted. It makes me feel ugly. And now, I don't tell anyone. So I'm even lonelier than I am ugly. No one to tell! Why do I even feel so compelled to tell? Will telling really make it better? Secrets are a heavy burden. But if you keep the secret, no one can attack you and make you believe you are crazy or a l iar. With a sensitive therapist, I can open up, let the secret out and it doesn't affect my family. Maybe when my mother dies I will be able to tell the rest of my family what happened, but only if overwhelming guilt at "tarnishing" her image doesn't get me. I did confront my mother directly because I was afraid I was coming up with all of this in my head and she did not deny it at all. (Nor did she admit to anything. She just said she had enough talk about that.) Now that the memories are fierce, I don't need her to validate my reality, and I don't need her to attack it either. Speaking out is complicated. I've cut off contact with my mother before, only to have my sister insist on a reconciliation because she believed that mother was dying. So how do you speak out about your abuser to your children, especially if it's their sweet grandma? "Yeah, granny's great kids, but she's a pedophile." So I hold it in, let them have their twice yearly superficial visits and then hope t hat some day I will be able to stand and tell the truth to my daughters. And the rest of my family that would support me if they knew, but that the burden of that knowledge would be too difficult as well, both because of who she is and the sadistic things she did. I don't like that she's pretty much gotten away scot-free for what she did. I'd like to see her behind bars, but then I'm too nervous to "rock the boat" in that fashion. This year, my big goal is to be able to participate in the Clothesline project and make a t-shirt about the abuse and let the world know that men are not the only perpetrators. And that will be one of the scariest things I'll ever do..

By angelina Jul 07 2004

Self Esteem
I was sexually abused by my mother's boyfriend for at least three years. It happened from the age of nine to the age of twelve.
He desrtoyed my innoecence and my self esteem, to this day I can't accept my body and I'm always changing to try to feel better about myself as a woman. I feel a costant need to be accepted by others and there seems to be no end to the pain I feel.

By djuna cunigan Apr 30 2004

This site is offered for support of other survivors, it is not meant to be a substitute for any kind of professional help. I don't have any qualifications or training in therapy, I am by no means a professional. I claim no responsibility for the use of this web site, use of content, or content of any links leading from this site. If you are in a crisis situation I urge you to contact your local rape crisis center or health care professional.

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